From One Survivor to Another

92 notes

November 14, 2011

Why “Nice Guys” are often such LOSERS

They cling to her, and want to be “one” with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.

Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it’s being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.

Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly “give in”. When she doesn’t appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, “Everything I did, I did for her.”, as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn’t want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.

Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that “no one will ever love her as much as I do.” Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: “You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I’m here.”

more here.

There are some cissexist and “traditional” male-female courtship things in here that I disagree with, but otherwise it’s not bad.

It’s not saying that Nice Guys are somehow horrible or that they are evil people. It’s saying that the way they think and behave can be seriously manipulative and creepy. Reading this years ago didn’t make me think, “damn i’m a loser and I suck and I should die”, it made me think, “wow I really need to stop doing this misogynistic, objectifying, self-entitled bullshit.” It’s not even saying that there aren’t women who are jerks (it acknowledges that there are), or that there aren’t men who are jerks (there are too). It’s just saying that Nice Guys are a different kind of brand on jerkiness.