From One Survivor to Another

Anonymous asked: Hey, I am a guy who has what you would call "Nice Guy" traits. However, these traits are things I have carried my whole life and are to do with my low confidence and self-esteem and my indecisiveness. I don't exactly know how women can take them to be misogynistic. I'm gay so I don't date women, but could you explain this to me in more detail anyway? Because I'd like to know if there's really something misogynistic in the way I act.

I think this is a bit different, since the Nice Guy thing is usually about hetero (and by extension, cisgender) relationships.

The entitlement-to-bodies/sexuality thing is probably not so much of an issue since you’re gay, but it might still come out in other ways. Doing things for the sake of appearances/pleasing others/gaining respect, for example. While it’s cool to do things for others, it’s a little sketchy when you really just do it for your own benefit (rather than doing it because it’s just the nice thing to do).  It might not be as obvious, but as someone who was a Nice Guy and who dealt with poor self esteem myself, I found that my need to please others/not be alone often came out as “trying too hard” or even disingenuous.

There is definitely a really unfair part here about social standards of what is okay/not okay or creepy/not creepy or desperate/not desperate, but it’s also about just learning to like yourself as you are. A lot of it is about just learning through trial-and-error or finding ways to mellow out, and finding small ways to build your confidence. It takes a lot of little steps over time.

Another aspect of the Nice Guy thing that may come out is just treating women as if they are weaker and in need of protection. Part of that is putting women (and sometimes other people in general) on pedestals, which creates unrealistic expectations in relationships. It creates opportunities for people to prey on you when you overlook their flaws, and it puts pressure on friends to be a way that they might not be.

i hope that makes some sense!

1. fuckniceguys likes this
2. meteoriansonnet said: This is a very good post. Thanks for the tips; I’m a “Nice Girl” in regards to how I often do nice things because I like being thanked. Just have to keep working on it, I suppose.
3. dreams-from-my-father likes this
4. fromonesurvivortoanother posted this