From One Survivor to Another

3 months ago

reblogged: (via)

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February 24, 2012

TW: eating disorders, pro-ana, descriptions of eating disordered behavior

insurrectionarygrapefruit:

<rant>

i get frustrated with the way I see trans and body-positive and general social justicey people talking about “pro-ana” and eating disorders on tumblr. as someone who has had disordered eating/eating disorders and found support in pro-ana communities because no one else fucking knew what it felt like to be compelled to stick my hand down my throat after eating a cup of strawberries or a half cup of pasta, what it felt like every day to wake up and slip into size 12 size 10 size 8 size 6 size 4 size 2 clothes that were getting baggier and baggier, to lie to my doctors and teachers and directors, what it felt like to give away my food to kids at school and dance, to know what it felt like to collapse in front of the fridge sobbing because I couldn’t eat anything in it without working out for an hour, to know what it felt like to feel so guilty to be wasting my family’s limited money, to know what it felt like to dance lightheaded and then look in the mirror and still want to fucking kill myself… If you haven’t had an eating disorder, you have NO FUCKING CLUE.

I might not be here if I hadn’t found a “pro-ana” community on LJ at 15, I might have died long before now—there, people told me to eat when I hadn’t eaten, they told me to stop exercising when I had already exercised for 2 hours that day, to go to sleep and stop crying, to forgive myself for eating whatever I’d eaten; they told me that it would be ok, and when I disappeared from the forums they would message me to make sure I hadn’t died and they supported me as I battled with regaining weight and recovering, and told me all the ways I could work to become healthy again.

Does that sound like a “movement” that is trying to dupe “young girls” into starving themselves to death? Yes, there are some people in “pro-ana” communities like that. But anyone with a single iota of sociological imagination knows to look at the history of online “pro-ana” communities and look for patterns, and see how the meaning of the communities have changed from the 90s to the 2010s, how the word pro-ana has been reworked and how many communities for people with eating disorders still use the term “pro-ana” to describe them despite their “anti-pro-ana” stances.

Just because some people have taken tips from other people on pro-ana sites, have tried the ABC or 2468 diet from pro-ana sites, have looked at thinspo and done 50 jumping jacks backwards while hoola hooping on a south bound train that they learned on a pro-ana site doesn’t mean all so-called “pro-ana” sites are bad, it means that people are desperate and often seeking connection.

Yall, it ain’t pro-ana sites that are bad. They’re symptomatic of bigger social problems. Just get the fuck down off your high horses and out of your cushy anthropological armchairs, and take a good look around, and do a little critical thinking. You wouldn’t dare make such generalizations about people with other types of chronic illnesses, but because this one is related to the media, you better be goddamned sure those poor girls on those wretched pro-ana sites (the kinds of which don’t exist in the number yall seem to think they do) don’t have any sort of autonomy whatsoever, and you better be goddamned sure that you get the final say in the erasure of ALL TYPES of pro-ana sites from the internet.

Never had an eating disorder before? Never needed the support? Then shut the motherfucking FUCK up.

Yes, traditional “pro-ana” sites suck. But use a hotdamn second of critical thinking, and like everything else social justice people seem to care about so much, this word and the communities that surround it are not as homogenous and simple as they seem.

Mostly I’m just sick of feeling guilty for SURVIVING. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT.

</rant>

ps- I’m not saying my word is the end all be all, I’m just saying I’m pissed. Yeah, I’m body positive, but that doesn’t mean I love my body (trans, disabled, etc etc etc)

i agree with this. I’ve thought about it and I’ve realized that pushing these sites and communities away is definitely NOT what needs to be done. Because if tumblr stops supporting them, they will still show up elsewhere anyway. If there are sites purposefully like, trying to get people to into eating disorders, okay that might be a problem. But a sweeping ban on all things like that feels like way too much to me. It’s something that should be judged on a case-by-case basis, not with a big generalization.

(Source: smashedwordbrokenopen)