From One Survivor to Another

January 7, 2013

i want to change some things about this tumblr.

a few months ago, i started a separate tumblr for really personal, private things to share with only a few close friends. i hadnt kept a consistent diary since i was in middle school, and i was surprised by how liberating it felt.

but now i’ve noticed that i’ve grown to like that tumblr much more than this one. maybe part of it is that i’ve always been an extremely private person who prefers to suffer and struggle internally, or in quiet.

having so many followers here is a overwhelming— not necessarily in terms of number, but in clout. i understand that the content i produce here, or the posts i reblog, can often end up netting hundreds or even thousands of notes (and therefore, thousands or tens of thousands of views) within a few days because of the other relatively popular tumblr folk who follow me. that’s really fucking SCARY and i am still shocked that it is a thing.

the problem is that it’s so open; in the past few weeks i have not felt safe or comfortable enough to share some things out of fear of judgment. but the kind of advocacy and the work i want to do is dependent on being public with myself. so there’s a conflict: i am a person who constantly entertains the idea of escaping to some tiny paradise to live out the rest of my life and find ways to ignore my pain. but i’m also the kind of person who cares too much and wants to make big changes and help people.

i want to be more open with you. for the longest time, i have thought that i was destined to be that shy, quiet kid. but in recent years i have become more and more outspoken. it’s freed me, and i can now see myself becoming a person i once thought was a pipe dream.

i’m still holding on to a lot of those quiet parts, though. although i am talented at appearing “together” most of the time, the truth is that i am constantly struggling not to fall apart. i need to share that, for myself and for everyone else. it’s an important part of what i want to do, and it could be a big part of my healing. i think i can keep some things private, while also sharing openly; the two are not mutually exclusive.

you will probably start to see my face more. the first thing i want to try is videos. because i hate how i look, but i’ve noticed that i like to talk. so, a big challenge for myself. dialogue is different in person than in text. it’s more intimate and vulnerable. i’m going to try that tomorrow.

  1. justamus said: If you knew how, you could just talk in your videos, as a voiceover, instead of showing your face?
  2. axololol said: <3 love it
  3. un-dynamic said: I’m excited
  4. yamino said: Thanks for sharing so much with us, Elle. I know it must be very hard, but you are making big changes and your story and thoughts are very valuable! I look forward to seeing more of you (and hearing you!) if/when you chose to do videos. =)
  5. fromonesurvivortoanother posted this