From One Survivor to Another

1 year ago

69 notes

feminism

bondage

August 12, 2011

On “rape” fantasies…

edit: see here.

I don’t remember where i read this on tumblr or from who, but i wanted to restate this idea for posterity.

If you have “rape” fantasies, you actually have domination fantasies. Rape happens when someone does not consent (the absence of a clear “yes”, not the presence of a “no”).

Rape is not sex. Rape is sexual in nature, yes, but it is about violence— about destroying someone else’s dignity.

Most people who have “rape” fantasies actually just want that feeling of losing control. Despite this, however, you still have your safety signals, and you still know how to tell your partner when to stop. Despite losing control, you want it to happen. That is what makes it not rape.

Sex can be kinky. There is nothing wrong with kink.

Sex can even be humiliating or embarrassing, and there’s nothing wrong with that, so long as both people are consenting. It’s when you remove consent that it becomes rape.

So please, stop calling it a “rape fantasy”, because it isn’t— unless you actually want that to happen, in which case, you need to reexamine yourself and learn about what rape actually is.

There is nothing wrong with giving yourself up to pleasure and pain. There is, however, something seriously wrong when you idealize an act (or a series of acts, or a coerced relationship over time, or a damaging power imbalance) that hurts people for the rest of their lives.

Please, stop diminishing the experiences of other people.

edit: response to consensual non-consent here. Sorry, I should have mentioned it in this original post and been more clear about what I was trying to say.

edit: longer response here