From One Survivor to Another
I’ll tell you (as a human trafficking victim who makes it through daily flashbacks and is still healing) how you “win” after being raped.
You feel as much anger as what comes naturally. If (and this is RARE) you someday find yourself becoming a bitter person, you can…
For me, “winning” is learning that it’s impossible to win a game with a person who created the game, invented the rules, and forced me to play. To use a extremely simplistic example, “heads I win, tails you lose” is basically the nature of the game.
So for me, “winning” is learning that there never were any rules (because the only rule was: you lose), and it’s my life to feel and react however I want to. It doesn’t mean anything to my abuser - he already believes he’s won, because he made the game. It doesn’t mean anything to anyone else - they never had to play the game, and they don’t get to decide the winning or losing. It’s about me, and what I want.
You don’t even have to win.
I just decided the whole winning/losing thing is such a bullshit thing for me to focus on. It makes it seem like the game is something that actually really exists, and idk. I guess it makes me feel like people are saying I had a choice to play. And I don’t like this idea that people think I should focus on the power struggle between my abuser and me - like that’s right that it exists.
Sorry, I hate hate hate the “win” stuff so much and ever time I try to explain it I never can articulate it.
OP do whatever feels best for you. It’s your body and mind and soul and everything to decide.
(Source: celibacyexperiment)
[tw: rape] Maybe I am not the survivor I thought I was. I am living with this everyday and I just had my own mother tell me that he wins if I can’t let it go. How do you let being victimized go? I’ve made room for the pain but I need to feel all the pain if I am ever going to live through and beyond it.
I’ll tell you (as a human trafficking victim who makes it through daily flashbacks and is still healing) how you “win” after being raped.
You feel as much anger as what comes naturally. If (and this is RARE) you someday find yourself becoming a bitter person, you can pull back your anger at that point. First, in order to heal at all you have to acknowledge how horrible what happened to you was by being angry about it. Otherwise, it’s not healing, it’s repression.
Your mom is obviously not educated enough about domestic violence or sexual assault to be telling you how to get healthy if she’s telling you he “wins,” if you don’t magically pretend to be unharmed.
You are a survivor. Not only because you lived through it, but because you’re still facing these issues down mentally, not just accepting the blame anymore. Good for you!
You win by being as human as possible, because the person who hurt you saw you as anything but. That means being angry, really angry, because something unjust happened to you. It means that you don’t have to “forgive” anything, because some things shouldn’t have to be forgiven.
Being human does not mean “letting go” because other people want you to. It means doing whatever works for you— learning and experiencing and finding what is right for yourself. It means feeling as much as you need to, however you need to.
(Source: celibacyexperiment)
[tw: rape, consent discussion]
Anonymous asked you:Do you think it’s ever possible for rape to be the rape victim’s fault? For example, if a girl is forced into sex by her boyfriend, but once it starts it hurts so she stops fighting, and then stays with the guy for three more months, isn’t that kind of just asking for it?
I think it is rape. Consent can only happen if everyone involved is capable of it and can decide without fear of repercussion. If this person feels threatened or confused, or if she doesn’t want to have sex for whatever reason (not for anyone to judge but her), and her boyfriend forces her to anyway, that is rape.
People stay in abusive relationships for a lot of complicated reasons. Some people have difficulty believing that the person they love can hurt them. This is especially true when you look at how cycles of violence work— there’s the tension/building stage, an abusive stage, and then afterwards a “honeymoon” period when the abuser acts nice, apologizes, says they’ll never do it again, etc. Other times, people are unable to support themselves economically, or there are social/cultural problems with leaving the relationship, such as certain religious doctrines not allowing divorce, or some cultures seeing divorce as shameful.
liftedeyes asked:
i feel like I’m sending so many asks. whenever i read these horrors you post… i think “i wish i could just sit with her now. we dont have to talk because im bad at talking. i wouldn’t have any expectation of entertainment. just sit and be quiet. just so she doesnt feel so alone”. idk if that means anything, but I’m telling you because it is truly how i feel and i hope it does mean a little.THIS is actually the PERFECT response to someone you know who has been abused. Just telling them “I know you I don’t totally understand your life or your situation, but I care and I want to listen.”
It’s the most meaningful thing one can do for a survivor and I recommend all of my readers follow your lead and tell victims they know the same thing. I appreciate your support and your remarkable insight.(Publishing a reblog-able version in response to a request. =) )
Anonymous asked: (tw: mention of sexual abuse)Hi. First can I say that since I've started reading your blog and commentary, have really done so much to open up my eyes to a lot of ideas about myself and rape culture that have helped me so much with accepting what has happened to me. Thank you. Second, I've never really received any sort of therapy or the such after the years of my sexual abuse happened... In fact, I was told by my parents, who were not my abusers, to not tell anyone. (tbc)
so for all these years I’ve been kind of dealing with it alone. But I really don’t want to anymore! I want to be able to talk to other survivors, or talk about my experience with the people close to me without hiding it. It doesn’t make sense in my situation to keep what happened a secret anymore. I guess I’m asking, do you have any advice for telling a someone close that you’re a sexual abuse survivor? Do you think this makes sense?
Thanks for the praise <3
First of all, definitely don’t think that you need to have therapy or see some kind of specialist to heal/deal with your experience. A lot of people are not lucky enough to have the resources for that, and there are other ways to do this work. Also, therapy is honestly more like just a glorified way of getting yourself out of some bad habits. I mean, there are some strategies like EMDR that have a certain proven method to them, but a lot of this stuff you do not need a person with a degree to help you do. I would say that the work I’ve done has been 95% out of therapy, or maybe even higher than that.
Second, I am sorry your parents were so silencing about your experience :( They may not be abusers but it sounds like they have hurt you in some ways as well. It’s your experience and you have the right to decide whatever you want to do with it.
As for coming out…a close friend is always preferred, of course. In private company with no on around, since it makes things safer and you can’t be entirely sure how you’ll react. One thing I did the last time I really came out to someone (my choir teacher) was I tried to browse through my memories and see if I could form a pattern of my interactions with this person. I asked myself, “when does this person get angry? Do they usually have good reasons for that? When have they ever been dismissive of people’s struggles? Are they generally nice and supportive of people?” and so on.
If you can establish that the person in question has never really been hurtful or dismissive, then it is unlikely that they will react in such a way to your coming out with your story. There are always exceptions, of course, and sexual abuse can be pretty complicated, but this is a pretty reliable method.
If the person is not so reliable or your relationship with them is more complicated, make sure that you play through the possible scenarios in your mind before trying anything. For any situation like this, plan a kind of “escape” in case things get very bad, and have some method for self-care after (recently, I told my mom some things in a very difficult therapy session. Before that, I made sure that I had a friend I could talk to after). Having multiple things to fall back on is never a bad thing.
Hope this helps! and good luck <3
Anonymous asked: Do you know if tactile sensitivity can come and go? Or is always a constant thing? Because I experience it very strongly when I am feeling triggered or am having a panic attack. But the rest of the time I am fine. I don't know whether or not to call it tactile sensitivity (even though it seems exactly like that) because I don't know whether it is a constant thing for most people.
[tw: talk of panic attacks, other trauma responses]
Yeah, I am pretty sure sensitivities like this can vary depending on your current state/who is with you/where you are/what is happening, etc. For example, I have certain things that are fine with my partner but if I was with friends it would be very different. I’d be less comfortable and more prone to certain body triggers. I think weather also affects things a lot for people.
Anonymous asked: (tw: rape, sexual abuse, physical abuse, abusive relationships, abusive childhood) I am in my late teens and last year I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for several months (but less than a year) in which I was also raped and sexually taken advantaged of numerous times. Do you think it is wrong of me to feel as affected by this than someone who suffered longer or throughout their childhood? I feel like I am not legitimately a victim nor survivor. People think its no big deal.
I am going to be very blunt here— you need to stop comparing your experience to others. Measuring experiences and suffering is just impossible…there’s so many factors, like a person’s upbringing and genetic predispositions to certain conditions, income, race, gender social status, etc. There’s no cut-off where abuse after X amount of time or X number of times suddenly makes it more legitimate than other kinds. People are all different and even one time is too much.
What matters right now is how you are feeling and how your abuse and rape have affected you, not the stories of others who “have it worse”. Please don’t compare it to others, because it will not help you. Believe me, I’ve spent the last five years doing that and all it has done is make it harder for me to finally accept the seriousness of it all.
Anonymous asked: I feel fake - because I've been doing well. I'm functioning. Hell, I'm growing. I feel like such a fraud among my friends who are not doing as well. But then I also know, as soon as my parents return, I will be back down that hole, reduced to a shell again. And then I will think that this functioning time never existed. It's a horrible cycle. I hate being able to function so well, only to have it stolen from me, until they leave, and I can recover ... and then have it stolen ... again ...
[general tw: parental abuse]
Anon, as long as your growing is not stepping on other people, I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of. It sounds to me like you’re doing a lot of difficult work for yourself and you’ve earned where you are. It’s something to be proud of, really. Especially given how your abusers are still around and a part of your life.
I am not sure what else to say except that I understand this too…especially lately with my mom. I hate it when people have so much control over you. i feel your pain :(
[trigger warning: talk about abusers, sympathy for, etc]
April 22, 2012Anonymous asked: have you ever felt sorry/pity of your abusers? i have numerous times, and i always end up hurting myself in the process. sometimes i don’t know how to distinguish pity from feelings of empathy or forgiveness. it’s all very confusing and painful :/
Definitely…this happens to me all of the time. I actually have to consciously remind myself every now and then to not give certain people too much sympathy/pity or leeway, because once I do, it leaves me vulnerable to being hurt again. This happened with my mom two weeks ago— i had been avoiding her for months, and then one good phone conversation changed my mind. A few days later, she said/did some really hurtful things and I remembered why I had been avoiding her in the first place— even when my mom is being as awesome as possible, and even if she doesn’t mean to, she still has abusive tendencies. Even though some abusers may act nice and apologetic, they can still be hurtful. They may even use that as a means of confusing you or keeping you unsure of yourself.
I don’t think there’s any one specific way to sort it all out…but i’ve found that the more distance you have from abusers, the clearer things get. It’s taken me several years of being away from my family to begin to analyze things properly. If you can’t get out (and even if you can), you need to find a lot of voices (in friends, reading, other media, etc) to counteract the negative current. Those feelings may not ever go away, because relationships with abusers are just really complicated and conflicted.
Anonymous asked: Can you recommend some good books?
- Li-Young Lee - Rose
- Audre Lorde - Sister/Outsider
- Chris Ware - Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth (tw: abandonment, child abuse by fathers, incest)
- bell hooks - Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center
- Thomas Merton - Thoughts in Solitude (warning for Catholic/Christian dualisms and stuff)
my brain kinda hurts right now but i’ll think of more for you another time
myownremedy asked: hey Chungyen, I was wondering what you did for self-care when you were feeling particularly overstressed and frail and depressed and maybe at risk for a eating-disorder relapse? I need some suggestions because what I'm doing now isn't cutting it, and I figured that you'd be a good person to ask. =/
[tw: talk of eating disorders, portions]
I’m not sure if I am the most qualified, since my eating disorder problems have never been that serious. There was a time, maybe from 10-16, when I would binge eat a lot, but it sort of went away as I got older— probably because other stressors went away at the same time.
Some basics I can think of: If you don’t eat regularly, you should plan to do so. At least two meals a day if not three. If you’re busy a lot it might be good to snack throughout the day. Container sizes (ziploc bags, tupperware, etc) are good to manage portions in either sense— to stop you from eating too much or to make sure you eat a certain amount (you didn’t specify which particular issues you have).
For overeating, I’ve found that having something to chew on (like a pen, or gum, etc) helps me a lot. Having something to do with my hands during downtime (ex: silly putty during a class lecture) helps keep me distracted. For not eating enough, it helps to have food already prepared (if you’re busy a lot), or to have food that can be made quickly with not much effort. In contrast if you dont want to eat as much you’d probably want less food that is packaged and easy to get to, and more things that require cooking.
In terms of stress and depression, it helps to set aside a few blocks during the day to decompress. Even just five or ten minutes can make a huge difference— what matters is that you’re consciously relaxing, not just wasting that time. Like ten minutes sitting on a bench and watching kids play in the park is way better than ten minutes mindlessly browsing facebook. Things like that can help a lot.
Anonymous asked: [trigger warning: child sexual abuse] My parents just forced me into telling them about my abuse from over ten years ago, I'm sixteen now. They didn't know anything about it before, and they only forced it out of me when they read a letter I wrote to my boyfriend explaining why I feel depressed. The letter had a paragraph in it about my abuse (which my boyfriend knows about). I want to cry I feel horrible. I don't want to talk to them anymore but they keep trying to force it. What do I do now...
that’s really fucked up…you shouldn’t have to tell anyone about anything you don’t want to. even if your parents are doing it because they care about you (assuming that here), that’s still not their right to force you into anything. survivors need the agency to decide for themselves…forcing them to do things can be as damaging as the abuse.
if your parents aren’t listening to your not wanting to talk about it, it might be time to get some kind of third party involved— a social worker or counselor. you could probably find someone to help you out through your school. i’m really sorry they did that :(
Anonymous asked: (Tw: rape, self harm) I was raped last year and used for sex in my last relationship, and I am starting to get urges to cut, specifically my breasts. I want to destroy them. The urges are so strong to mutilate myself I am getting scared. I can feel him touching there like it's actually happening. The strength of these feelings is so intense I don't know how to cope. I just needed to share. And maybe someone can relate or help?
I’ve done some self harm things, but not to this extent. So I’m not sure if I could help much :(
If you aren’t already/if it is possible for you, definitely find a qualified counselor or therapist.
Generally, with self-harm things it’s about some sort of need for control, and then it’s also a way to release stress. You may need to find some specific ways of decompressing— i’d recommend something physical (running, other exercise) to make up for the endorphin rush.
The other work you can do is self-therapy kind of stuff….things like learning about mindfulness and being in the present, keeping a personal journal of your moods and how you feel/what you think of when these self-harm moments happen. The more conscious you are of what is causing this, the easier it will be for you to take back control. You might want to ask yourself why your SI is focused specifically on your breasts— did your abuser focus on them?
Finding communities of people with similar experiences might be good too— a local group or some place online.
Anonymous asked: [TW: child sexual abuse?] When I was younger, I'm not sure how much younger, but elementary school aged, several boys who often picked on me took me behind a tree in a secluded corner of the playground, and forced me to undress and show them my vagina, and touched me inappropriately. Then they told me that they'd kill me if I told on them. Am I over-dramatic at being still upset by this? Does it even count as sexual abuse if it was just other kids doing it?
No, you’re not being “over-dramatic”. The way you feel matters and is important, especially since this happened at such a young age— before you even got to form positive, consensual ideas about sexuality.
Sexual abuse isn’t necessarily about the ages so much as it is about there being a power imbalance and a lack of consent. It sounds to me like both of those things happened here.
Giving advice to survivors « It is better to speak (via superherotoranse)
this x10000000000.
